Are you ready for some Fútbol Americano?
With an estimated 1.5 million peppy participants in all-star cheerleading today, cheering has gone from mere JO material for middle-aged pervs to a bona fide industry, so it was with a sad heart that we look forward to Super Bowl XLV.
Otherwise known as “the lame one,” XLV will be the fist game in Super Bowl history not to include cheerleading, as both their teams—the Pittsburg Steelers and the Green Bay Packers—are two of the six teams in the entire NFL roster without an official cheering squad.
Somewhere in a storage unit in Encino, Janet Jackson‘s nipple plate is belting out a villanous chuckle; its plans or world domination appearing to be complete.
Wanting to stop the titty ornament’s evil ways, we here at El Zonkey Show wracked our brains and came up with a plan: using the best Mexican pop culture has to offer, conform two teams of rag-tag mamacitas ready to give the fans what they want.
La Tigresa del Oriente will lead one squad and Irma “La Tigresa” Serrano will coach the next, so we can settle their ongoing feud once and for all, and since its something right out of the Book of Revelation, we’ll stick with the biblical number of 12 members per team, both tigresses divvying an equal amount of Mexicana Airlines calendar hoochies to level out the field, leaving us with 7 empty slots each.
Ready? Here we go…
La Guereja—standing at just over 3 feet, this happy-go-lucky pop culture staple could not only rev up the fans, but also cameo in an E*Trade commercial.
1 “La Chiquitubum”
It is said that lightening doesn’t strike twice, but we believe La Chiquitibum‘s power over the masses is second to none. Her midriff shirt alone is enough to send Steely McBeam on an emergency Home Depot run for some 3-In-One oil to polish off his metal rod.
Every squad needs that one quintessential beauty, and depending on what your standard for the first four essences is, former runway model Campuzano is a perfect fit. Jealous of her ravaging, natural looks, expect for La Tigresa del Oriente to be Mickey Goldmill-tough on her.
A controversy magnet, this Cuban expat’s picture is what you’d expect to see in a dictionary alongside the word “classy.” Granted, you’d soon realize that it was a gag dictionary put out by “Opposite Land Press,” but still.
No nonsense Carmelita is full of piss and vinegar. With a sharp wit and a pastel suit jacket pocket filled with Ducels Tomy, she’s been there, done that and bought the rebozo. Used to calling the shots, she’ll most likely butt heads with her coach in a scene reminiscent of her talk show, Hasta en las Mejores Familias.
With inclement weather still reigning supreme, she’s Team Oriente‘s ace in the hole. God forbid, should a Metrodome-style tragedy strike, this lovely um… “actress” is SCUBA certified and comes with built-in flotation devices.
Bratty, snooty and rich, “La Popis” was EL Chavo del 8‘s secret crush for years. Donning pigtails and her trademark bloomers, expect for the original Paris Hilton‘s inbox to be flooded with picture messages from Brett Favre in 3, 2, 1…
Sturdy and stout, seasoned actress Lupe Ontiveros will not only make for a mean support beam in the team pyramid’s bottom tier, but having—by her own estimation—portrayed a housekeeper close to 300 times, she also clean up afterwards. Talk about convenient!
A set of dancing, plush hands with long acrylic fingernails to spite Niurka
La Chiquitubum might have a trick or two up her sleeve but Mexico’s ultimate furry, also has her share. Equal parts San Diego Chicken and Snooki, the hyper pájara was a staple in 1970′s and 80′s programming with her effusive personality. Having discovered the wonders of Adderall, she now lives in a rural farm in Kentucky. With her English limited to the phrase “a la one, two, three!” she hasn’t realized that she’s destined to soon become a Double Down.
Lyn has a clear role: eye candy. Having hit it off with La Tigresa in the plastic surgeon’s waiting room in the 1930′s, this “exotic” vedette has everything it takes and then some. For a sample of her Betty Boop sensuality and Shakira hip shaking groove, check out this 1998 Plastilina Mosh music video. Break out your trusted game day towel buddy, you’re gonna need it.
THE ultimate party girl, this red-nosed señorita knows her way around a choreography number like she knows her way around a spiked tub of Gatorade. Her hand-eye coordination might not be the best, especially after her pre-game Carta Blanca caguama (that she’ll try to pay with a homemade EBT card, no less).
Sure, she might seem proper and demure, but inside Peralta’s heart lives the soul of a fierce dragon…and that’s a good thing. Mexico’s answer to Martha Stewart, she can simultaneously deliver a routine (in both standard and high altitude environments), and smack your hand with a wooden spoon if you dare try to dip your finger in her mole mix.
With her engineered good looks, the acting abilities of an autistic Megan Fox, and the vocal range of a regular Maria Callas (post-decline), Ninel is the complete package. Nicknamed “La Bombon Asesino” (the assassin marshmallow), ‘cuz honestly what’s sexier than the visual of a female Stay Puff Marshmallow Man? She’ll no doubt make ballcarrriers and wide receivers alike swoon at one shimmy of those Wilson-made pigskins.
6 Suzette Quintanilla
Sister to “Cumbia King” A.B. Quintanilla, and late Tex-Mex queen Selena, we all know Suzette was the real gold egg-laying goose of the family. Ever since the demise of Los Dinos we’ve all been waiting for the one-woman bull rush’s star to shine, and this is the perfect chance. In preparation, stern coach Tigresa, has been psychologically tormenting fragile Suzette by purposely having her to-go orders mixed up at Chevy’s and musically blasting the outside of her house, Manuel Noriega-style, playing Amor Prohibido on a loop.
Though technically dead since 2002, Mexico’s ultimate diva wouldn’t mind being exhumed to give XLV a touch of panache. Light as a feather and stiff as a board by now, she’d be the perfect gal to propel up in the air in a stunning series of acrobatics that could give her team the win. Ever the scene stealer, expect for the glamorous icon to soak up much of the buzz from the much-hyped cast of Glee‘s zombi-fied rendition of Thriller.
Your call, NFL.
We checked their schedules, they’re all available.